25 Followers
40 Following
piiskoor

Another fine mess

Reader fan critic teacher reader fan.

Currently reading

McGlue
Ottessa Moshfegh
Knife Fight and Other Struggles
David Nickle
Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity
Andrew Solomon
The Good Lord Bird
James McBride
Ancillary Justice
Ann Leckie
Our Underachieving Colleges: A Candid Look at How Much Students Learn and Why They Should Be Learning More (New Edition)
Derek Bok
Dissident Gardens
Jonathan Lethem
Nightmare Movies: Horror on Screen Since the 1960s
Kim Newman
The Information: A History, a Theory, a Flood
James Gleick
Complete Novels
Dashiell Hammett, Steven Marcus
The Internet is a Playground - David Thorne A round-up -- a lot of okay gags and writing, a few gems. The allure for me was Thorne's transcripts of email conversations, where he basically annoys the crap out of co-workers, bureaucratic functionaries, and internet trolls. I laughed a few times, and generally enjoyed the book, 'though reading at Thorne's website might reap the same benefits while allowing you the comfort of skipping past anything that isn't quite working.

Meanwhile, I love to play pranks. Here is a sample of my tomfoolery:

--I always enjoy phone calls. Once I was contacted by phone for an advertising campaign, pitched generally at "snack foods." I started out being quite polite, but then there was this exchange:

Poor Call-center Functionary: How many people live in your house?
Me: 2.
PCF: Are any people living at your house between the ages of 22 and 30?
Me: Yes.
PCF: How many?
Me: 2.
PCF: Are any people living at your house between the ages of 18 and 21?
Me: I already said there are only 2 people here.
PCF: Sir, I have to follow the script. Are there any people living at your house between the ages of 18 and 21?
Me: No.
PCF: Are any people living at your house between the ages of 12 and 17?
Me: I already..... [Pause] Yes.
PCF: How many?
Me: 14.
PCF: A 14-year-old?
Me: No, 14 people, between the ages you said.

Later....
PCF: Do you think children will enjoy [Name of Snack Food]?
Me: Yes.
PCF: Why?
Me: Kids love salt.
PCF: Do you think children will enjoy [Name of other Snack Food]?
Me: No.
PCF: Why?
Me: Kids love salt.

Another time I got a call from my mother, who was crying.

Mom: Mike?
Me: Yes--mom? What's wrong?
Mom: I'm sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather has passed away?
Me: Oh. That's awful. I'm sorry. [Pause] Hey, Mom?
Mom: Yes?
Me: Is your refrigerator running?
Mom: Wh....what?
Me: Is your refrigerator running?
Mom: [Goes to check.] Yes?
Me: You better chase after and catch it! [SLAMS PHONE DOWN TRIUMPHANTLY]

--The phone isn't the only place I work my scampishness. Some years ago I decided to impregnate a woman, and get her to have a child with me! This took some real effort--the best pranks are the product of years of diligent set-up--but I started wooing her: doing things she liked to do, nodding in agreement or expressing frustration when it was appropriate, being physically affectionate in levels of first increasing then, after some years, decreasing frequency. And so on. About a decade after I began the prank--fruition! My seed had taken root in the soil of her womb. Soon after, a child was born.

HA! Burn! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have many others. Perhaps I too should publish a book.